Empty Pedestal

April 25, 2013

there’s an empty pedestal in my heart where you used to stand. behind a door no one else has gotten inside yet.

there was no runner up. number two. or on deck player.

just your blue eyes and a smile i adored.

there was giddy anticipation when i knew i could see you.

there was a kiss i waited four years for

and a hope i could know you more…tinged with a hope you wanted the same.

a piece of my heart is broken, once from disappointment and again, deeper, from the lies you told me. Lies I caught you in…though you may not know I saw.

you coward

it struck me today, in a movie theater, how I had not felt that same numbing sting, since I read those messages on Kyan’s phone all those years ago. But even then, you were in my heart.  After years of gifts, endeavors to make you smile, wish you well, express my interest and pursue from afar, my adoration, and it was adoration….hit a flatline. The moment i realized you lied.

and so unnecessarily.

There was something in you I think I mistook for gentleness and now I must admit, I think was more cunning. A quiet plotter who put on airs to seem as if he wasn’t putting on airs.

disappointing to see your true colors; true character in such a way

disappointing that you couldn’t be honest

disappointing we’ll never speak again

disappointing I now grieve over a loss of something i can’t quite yet altogether define

I can only hope you reap what you sowed

You owed me better

…….at least you can Grant me that

I Saw Sparks

October 19, 2012

“Blessings in disguise.” . . . .  “everything happens for a reason” . . . phrases I’m contemplating this week.

I’ve been somewhat at a loss for words at the turns, and turn arounds that the last week has thrown me. I’ll be honest about the factors that led to this interesting turn of events.  After over 2 months at my new job, a manager at a Healthcare and education advising company, pertaining specifically to “performance technologies” and somewhat encompassing high level sales and renewal to hospitals around the country….I hit a wall of sorts. I loved the culture and the people but long story short, I wasn’t quite at a level others were at and was not getting the “sales/renewal” evaluations down as my bosses would have liked and I came to a crossroads whereby it was more or less agreed upon that, me being the only external hire in the position I was in and was going to have more pressure, information to learn, and responsibilities than others on my team, something needed to change. My strengths weren’t matching up well with major parts of the position, most of which were parts that were not fleshed out or explained in the interview process, more quantitative concepts and sales related ideas I’m really not gifted in.

I had been stressing myself out daily and weekly, taking work home and studying the content for this position consistently, but still didn’t feel like I was in the right spot and that things weren’t clicking as I wished they would. I was given essentially two choices, commit to a performance plan from which any deviation and any inaccuracy would mean termination, or resign with a severance.  I thought long and hard about my skills, my strengths, where I see myself and where I want to go, the possibility of consistency in the job I was in juxtaposed with the possibility for a good work/life balance, talked to friends, and my parents and had a subsequently powerful and convincing conversation with my dad, and decided to resign. Yes, take a big risk, but be bold and explore other opportunities.  Both a scary, and liberating place to be. And I know i made the right choice

I’m sitting in the Kogod Courtyard, my favorite spot to write in, contemplating momentum, and my options, and enjoying the live jazz that just started.  Since i resigned my position a week ago, I’ve gotten an impromptu photo-shoot with a musician who’s work I’ve seriously fallen for, after being given free entry by a lovely friend who knew i needed a pick-me-up, also the guest of that same friend at a very cool party at the French embassy. I was again published in Glide Magazine, was given a sort of friendly/creative intervention by best friends to think outside the box, take a few risks, and do something creative next, including escaping DC.  I also got to spend time with someone I’ve waited a very long while to get next to. Without doubt, the high-point of my week and hopefully I’ll be Granted more time soon.  I find anticipation feels worse when proximity is closer.

I need a halloween costume. Coming up short there. not for lack of ideas…more like…nothing seems to fit yet. that could be said for a lot right now i guess. i’m contemplating what job would fit. What city would fit? What shoes would fit? . . . seriously, I went to Macy’s, H&M and Banana Republic the other day and things either didn’t fit, or didn’t look right. I’m sure that will sort itself out before long though. i’ve got bigger fish to fry.

There are time s when you second guess, and feel guilty, or doubt yourself and start to regret decisions. Since the day I resigned, calmly and confident, I haven’t second guessed myself. I’ve decided to be confident, jump into unfamiliar situations, and even risk some rejection. I’ve impressed even myself and don’t think turning back is a possibility. i’m coveting these past few days and feel like I really “lived” . . . if that even makes sense.

I’m about 3 short steps away from getting a severe hair cut, the tats i’ve always wanted, my camera lens repaired and leaping before I look.  I’m open to suggestions, ideas, opportunities and conversations.

I think it’s only prudent to include a few snapshots from this past week as well.

this is a beginning and not an end.

Now more than ever…

I’m feeling open minded.

Mike Hadreas of Perfume Genius
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 Kogod Courtyard

We Were Here

April 19, 2012

I’ve been meaning to write about this powerful documentary I saw recently. A friend of mine had mentioned it and I was so intrigued I had to check it out.

i’m adding the trailer just below and then a link to the actual full movie online , which I highly recommend you watch. Seriously.

It tells the story of the beginning of the AIDS epidemic in the late 1970’s into the 1980’s in San Francisco.  It follows the lives of several individuals as they tell their stories, some gay, some straight. People who lost lovers, and some who are HIV positive to this day still and healthy, all were effected in powerful ways. One who was a nurse at the time and saw how the medical side unfolded. I couldn’t steel myself away from this one. I’m so fascinated with this part of American history, especially American gay history in a sort of fearfully reverent way. Akin to my interest in Malcolm X and the civil rights movement in the 1960’s, but obviously different.

This doc got to me. I think I watched it over 4 or 5 times last week. The personal stories. the drama. The love and the loss. I was enamored and fascinated and frightened by it all. Having been raised with the idea that not only was AIDS a death sentence, it was YOUR sentence, should you be gay. Your wages for leading that ‘lifestyle’ (i hate using that phrase in reference to being gay, even in mockery.)

There was no distinction between being HIV positive and AIDS, even today most people don’t understand the difference, which in short order boils down to having a certain number of helper-T cells in your immune system, usually supported by a drug regiment…..and having a t-cell count so low you can no longer fight off infections as effectively and being in the stage of HIV known as AIDS.  Anyway, it wasn’t even until I was older that I comprehended that it was sexually transmitted….and not ‘divinely appointed.’  What is so powerful about this doc is the human face(s) it puts on the AIDS epidemic, it shows footage in doctors offices, people being examined and interviewed, patients who had no idea what they were dealing with or how they got it in the first place, lovers trying to console and be console. Friends losing friends.

That’s when it hits me hardest. I consider my friends I have now. MY community. I hear the stories of these men losing their friends / exes / lovers and I can’t fathom it. And a big part of me is so thankful for that because it’s not something to be relished. But more something to be learned from. appreciated even.  What’s also present to be appreciated is the knowledge that not all behavior is edifying or beneficial and that pleasure can lead you to regret, with diar consequences even.

I was lucky enough not to lose anyone close to me until I was a senior in college, and even after that only losing my pop-pop a year or so ago only amounts to 2 major figures in my life. I can’t mentally extrapolate that into the prism of losing scores of friends and acquaintances to a disease. it’s unfathomable. And maybe that’s what made this so interesting. Seeing people persevere. Watching how the gay community came together, starting food banks and non-profits to help those sick and in need. Prodding a government that turned a deliberate blind eye to the epidemic because it was seen strictly as a ‘gay’ or ‘deviant’ disease.  This is a piece of work that is very reflective, and not an all out downer, which I was afraid it would be, though it definitely will bring tears to your eyes .  

That being said, follow the link below, there may be a pop up or two you can exit from, but you can watch the entire documentary at that website , just click ‘Close ad and watch as free viewer’ . . . and then ‘watch movie now’.

Go check it out. discuss! Discuss it with ME! I’d love that.

http://www.tubeplus.me/player/1735202/We_Were_Here/

Watching this. Experiencing this. Made me want to do something. To volunteer. Get involved in some way. Not sure how to connect yet. this just moved me so much and made me thankful to be a beneficiary of past generations, gay and straight. Of science that is looking and stepping forward, to be part of a vast community that is in some ways coming into an adulthood/new adulthood and being passed a baton by survivors and pioneers.  It reminds me that we’re all human. We all make mistakes. We’re all in need of love and grace. It makes me look and think outwardly.

I’m feeling open minded . . . . .

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In other news and on a brighter note, I haven’t written about how I’ve been doing some freelance writing for Glide Magazine, based in San Francisco. An old and dear friend, Peter, is the co-editor and enjoys my writing and offered to have me review musical albums for the magazine and I loved the idea. So far I’ve written three reviews, one of which I am particularly proud of, my review of one of my favorite bands, The Magnetic Fields, and their newest album Love at the Bottom of the Sea.

My first review was of a west coast based band called Princeton , and their album Remembrance of Things to Come.

Most recently I reviewed a newer band i’ve gotten into, Great Lake Swimmers and their new album New Wild Everywhere

This has been a great creative process and outlet for me. Neat to see my name published. Fun to share with friends and family too. I get the sense only my mom is reading it tho, somehow…hmmmmm. I like sharing something like this with them (my parents). Especially when I feel so dead-ended with my day job right now.

Which brings me to my jobsearch, which is still primarily focused on Boston and maybe NYC, though not my preference. I’m desperately searching for recruiters/agencies/individuals in the PR, Communications, media, advertising, non-profit industries to contact and apply with.  Know of anyone!? :)

Hoping to report back soon with good news and good pictures.

I’ve got spring fever in more ways than one………………………………

 

Worth A Thousand Words

March 16, 2012

The past few weeks have had some highs and lows.

I must have thought up or started several posts and then either changed my mind on them or didn’t feel like finishing the track I was on for one reason or another.

So, instead, tonight, I thought I would simply put some of the highs on here. in the form of snap shots. Moments I was either sharing with others or witnessing and capturing.

Good memories should blot out the bad ones and their colors should bleed into everything else, so we forget.

forget.

until we don’t have to anymore.

My happy thoughts . . . . . .

The first time I saw Starry night.

Watching him mix me that drink

My favorite foodies

My kindred spirits

Her poem

 

why not you and me?

Untitled Life Still #1

February 16, 2012

This is all I have to say today.

 

Note To Self…

January 11, 2012

Note to self – January 2012

You have incredible friends, who love and encourage and cherish your friendship. Make sure you return their blessings in kind

You’ve come a long way in the last twelve months.  From news from ‘the K’ to being ‘ok’.  From bitter to better.

You’re ambition sets you apart. So does your kindness. And your passion. Don’t overlook the things in yourself that others don’t even strive to act towards.

Be bold. Think of possibilities over impossibilities. Yes Boston gets a lot of snow and he lives far away and Sallie Mae will be there for a while……

….but Lindy lives there and his blue eyes make you smile and defaulting isn’t an option.

Keep your finger on the shutter . . . and soft lighting in the background.

Count your blessings. Daily.

Pray more often, and read your Bible more than you did in 2011.  God’s as close as he ever was.  This year take a few steps closer to him instead of hoping he’ll take one closer to you.

Plan for your next move, not just your next week.

Travel even more in 2012 than you did in 2011!

Keep writing and expanding your hobbies!

You hate your job now, but something better is out there, and when you finally have it … this weight you feel will be lifted.

Anticipate joy!

——

You were so happy tonight. good food with good friends sharing good laughs and good memories. Hold onto the good things and let the bad things slip away like the day’s cares as you sleep.  Seek and you will find what you are looking for. Be it wisdom, friendship, knowledge, love.

Be the conqueror and not the conquered.

Savor the St. Germain! . . . the well-fleet oysters on a Provincetown patio. . . . . .the balderdash games . . . . the waves crashing over you on Poodle beach . . . . . the chef’s table escapades…..and red wine with roommates.

Tomorrow isn’t your’s until you open your eyes and claim it.

oh…and get to bed earlier, for pete’s sake.

There’s no prayer I can say that will bring comfort now.

No more healing or peace to be asked for. No water to be dipped on searing tongues.

A light has gone out. And a brilliant one at that.
I’ve always been partial to the rebels. The revolutionaries.  The trouble-makers and the skeptics. The fish that swim upstream.
I like to think there’s a little McMurphy in me.  A shade of Hitch, perhaps? In progress. Under construction. I find kindred spirits in men like this.  Fighting spirits. Warriors with words if not with deeds. A man I aspire to be like.  Not so much in terms of his beliefs, as much as his talents, his drive, and his passion.
If James Bond was my subtle childhood model for how to “walk” or “act like a man,” Christopher Hitchens was my adult model for how to “talk like a man.” An opposing example in some ways, one could say, to the male figure(s) I grew up around.  A more aggressive and bold example.  But parallel in the sense of class, integrity, and gentleman-ly qualities I had modeled for me.

Such passion. Such Wit.

I felt a sharpness hit my chest….
I decided to check the Drudge Report as I got into bed and pulled the covers over me Thursday night. I saw the headline “Christopher Hitchens Is Dead” .  My heart sank. deep.
Dead.
Complications from the esophogeal cancer he had been battling since last year.
 I was just listening to his talks and debates this afternoon while I worked. but I watched his speech in Houston from 2 weeks ago and he looked worse than ever. As if the end was truly near.
He was unmatched; as a writer and as an orator. And in the end, silenced by an enemy that doesn’t need to utter a word to win, and against whom no words can admonish or vanquish.

In a very real way, a distinct and piercing way, I’ve lost a hero. I feel stung by the loss of a man I regrettably never had the chance to meet, but whose very byline next to a link or an article made me smile and jitter with anticipation.  What character would he lambaste this week? What wit would he employ to prove his point? and what anecdotes and stories would he dazzle his readers with.  What deeper knowledge of a topic would he bring me to.  What new line of thought or issue would he spark me to investigate. And what opinion would he cause me to take a second look at. Find his very last article here. An interesting examination of Neitzsche and the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ against the backdrop of his own situation and mindset.

He was my definition of brilliant. Of Genius. Of Wit.  A man of round and full perspective; hungry for knowledge, ‘taking the risk’ as he said ‘all the time to say he knew nothing like enough yet,’ about the world.  It there was an academic mind, a literary mind, in whose footsteps and caliber I should like to follow, they would be his.

The action he infused his words with inspired me.  His passion moved me. More than anything, he sharpened me. As a man, as a thoughtful person, as one who is hungry for knowledge and perspective, AND even as a christian.  As his reader and listener I was challenged, admonished, encouraged, and enlightened.

Not to mention enamored.

It truly fills one with a sense of our innate worth, of our finite-ness, the absolute brevity of our time on this earth, to witness the passing of their hero; an inspiration, their friendly foil. I was made better by this man. by his writing. by his debates and his lectures. by his style and pomp and panache. I was indeed inspired and emboldened.

You feel smart reading Hitchens. Every article is a petit-four of delicious wit, anecdote, and complexity. He didn’t just give readers his opinion; he usually gave a historical depth and reason behind the opinion he came to and shared why it was indeed the correct opinion on the matter. If you found you didn’t agree with him, at first or at all,  at the very least you found his arguments to be so erudite that you could not help but pause and ruminate on them. It was this struggle I came up against in terms of Hitchens and his vews on religion.

I first took real note of him when the Iraq War started. As a man who had called himself a liberal for so long, siding with the pro-war movement.  His reasonings were so profound and grounded and seemed utterly unassailable to me when put in plain view.  MSNBC memorialized him quite nicely with this clip. Vanity Fair, his home publication, I daresay one-upped them with this one.

‘Hitch-slaps’ like this one are one such excellent example. I don’t think I witnessed or read any other person give as compelling an argument as he did, on that topic.  I also personally enjoyed his setting Michael Moore straight on his various inflated and outright false 9/11 and Iraq War conspiaracies.

His debate with George Galloway, the sniveling former MP from the British House of parliament gave me utter, utter delight and laughter. I was also so incredibly intrigued at his more ‘liberal’ tendencies alongside his views against abortion , and also subjecting himself to the interrogation technique of waterboarding.

However as I kept my eye on him, most especially in 2010/2011 I became fixated on his debates and lectures concerning religion; debates concerning the church, the afterlife  and felt provoked by profound questions and arguments that had not been brought to bear in my mind with such arguments as he brought forth.  I can’t say he changed my mind on my core beliefs, as he seemed less philosophically and contextually based in his arguments and more rhetorically challenging.  However, he gave me pause and caused me to search for answers to questions he may have raised and that stuck with me.  It wasn’t until his debate with Professor/philosopher William Lane Craig that I felt he finally met his match, and in truth, was bested, as Craig defended rational arguments for the christian faith and theism alongside Hitchens arguments for doubt and anti-theism. Which I want to excerpt here and here / in it’s entirety.  This also led me to follow much of William Lane Craigs writings.

Do yourselves a favor and at the very least listen to one if not both of the excerpts.  The final clip is a video of the entire debate.

I’ve never been one to much mourn a celebrity.  Not to seem callous but Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett didn’t really impact me that much. However, this gentleman had me scanning headlines on a weekly basis for his by-line, had me refreshing youtube to see if any new speeches has been uploaded; had me whispering to the almighty to bring peace, comfort, and hopefully healing not only to him, but to his family and friends that were by his side. To say I’ll miss him is to say I’ll miss one who furthered my education, like a professor in a wall-less classroom where it was as if he was speaking directly to me. to say I’ll miss him doesn’t quite cover the bases on this one. No.  I wish I could have shaken his hand.

He was ‘the Gin in the Campari,’ as he had so fondly said of others.

 

A gadfly.

A pointed polemic.

A contrarian.

An inspiration.

Farewell Hitch .

 

Text-Edit / Life – Edit

October 10, 2011

Text / Edit

Life / Edit

Photo / edit

Photo / lost

Photo / found

Photo-synthesis

Homogenous

Homo-genius

Sweetheart

Sweet part

of life

Here and now…

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This is definitely going to be one of those….stream of consciousness posts. Always more fun.

I’m sitting here, at one of my favorite spots, in Boston. In Jamaica Plain, in City Feed & Supply. The sun is shining. I’ve killed time here uploading photos and music, trying to recover what’s been lost.  This spilled milk mentality simply won’t do.  Time to Restart! Rebuild! Renew!

Gosh, the people watching from here is amazing. Downright sartorial I tell ya! Bandanas, dye-jobs, piercings here and there. Hippies, Hipsters, Hip-replacements, Hip-Hop; they’re all walking up and down Centre Street.  DC could use a large dose of what’s going on in this town. People seem chilled out here. Laid back, but still aware, and motivated, it’s refreshing.  The old mom n pop stores next to the new. Salmagundi , where I bought my watch in july. A van full of orange-suited in-mates just passed me by, I could see their cuffs, and their smiles. Seems like they hadn’t seen the outside in a while. Let’s leave the prison and find some sunshine.

Let me just say, the Iced-Chai-Latte / ‘three little figs’ muffin / egg+sausage sandwich I kicked off my day here in JP with was as sunny as it gets.

I don’t really want to move from this spot, but there are shops to duck into before Lindy gets out of work. Epic meal times are planned for this weekend Ten Tables , South End buttery  , antique show in the South End, Skype dates with far away friends. Pictures to take, and a lot of wine and prosecco to drink / cheese to eat.

Man, the color in this town is great.  DC really is a gray city.  Gray streets. Gray businesses. Gray hearts. Gray minds. for the most part.

Lukewarm.

We try and step up our game when we can. People in this town (Jamaica Plain) seem to give a damn about the people they’re walking past too.  I’ve watched so many people stop and talk to strangers, compliment them on something, ask them where they got ‘that shirt,’ or tell the cute kissing couple how cute they are before they themselves step on a bus. Makes dc seem more like a ‘keep your head down’ / ‘duck n cover’ kinda city. You won’t be saying hi to strangers as you pass them on a sunny day, they likely won’t talk to you either…that is…unless they’re asking you for something……your money, your signature, your vote, your time, your opinion.  Not all bad. But usually wearing, and potentially grating.

4 weeks of clouds makes you look inward for sunshine. And elsewhere.

I want a hairstyle with the lower part of my head buzzed….they can keep the nose piercings tho.

Don’t waste no time / the streets are on fire /  Hold out your arms / It’s called Desire

Maybe I should look for jobs up here too. Perhaps. A break from the district chatter would be a nice break.  I might miss it. Who knows. I mean, who DOESN’T miss hearing about national budget debates, taxes, class warfare, Rich vs poor, them vs Us. Frankly, most if not all of congress and the white house needs to be lined up and pistol-whipped. Not sure I even want to go down this road. Most American’s are frustrated with the state of our Union, and the inept pilot we have flying the plane, it all feels heightened in dc, or maybe it’s purposefully so. Magnified. Stupefied. Intensified. glorified. No unsung heroes anymore. Villains of the week. Flavors of the… channel.

I could use a truly laid back community like JP. But I also want to be near or in a city right now. Boston winters would sour me pretty quickly tho too. I’m of the mind to cast a wide net right now and see what I can catch. Suggestions welcome.  :P

I’m always inspired when I visit JP tho.  And considering the recent loss of my hard drive, I turned my lens on Lindy after a long dinner at Ten Tables and a little more than a bottle of champagne between the two of us, courtesy of the somalier Stan, who Lindy knows.  Let me tempt you with our menu –  marinated olives, roasted cauliflower with pine nuts, capers, and golden raisins, green tomato soup with apple chutney, pickled vegetables with carrot sorbet, vegetarian board with smoked baba-ganoush/ radishes/apples/carrot remoulade. Wild mushroom cavatelli , seared blue-fish with a sweet pepper relish , sunchokes, and sauteed spinach. 

I came up with some great shots.  I’ll share a few:

I mean, is she not stunning?  Added some great shots I recovered from a dinner party with some close friends a few weeks ago too. ( check out at www.flickr.com/photos/fizzkittyfoto .

More to come. Time to go for now.  Will try to write more often and post more pictures soon. This weekend was just what I needed to get my groove back.  :)

Onward and Upward.

One Room At A Time

May 5, 2011

This individual blog is sort of an amalgamation of various entries and edits and scrambles I had written but not yet posted at the time.  Didn’t feel like I’d completed my thought(s).  It has a certain flow to it that keeps you up to speed. Just thought I’d mention in case there was reader confusion.

Anyway.

A lot has happened since I wrote here last. sheesh, a lot has happened just in the last two weeks.  The last few days even.

I’ve been a busy boy.

Traveling. Making plans. To-do lists. getting some affairs in order, as it were.

A few weeks ago my friend Lindy flew me up to Boston for a long weekend.  It was just what I needed.  Earl grey breakfasts, witty banter, incredible meals, non stop laughs between us, and some really incredible conversations.  This friend and this trip refreshed my soul. I came home thinking in color and not black and white. Thinking outside of boxes I had not in a long time.  The pre-text for my visit was a restaurant opening in Provincetown by a friend of Lindy’s.  A sublime establishment called Ten Tables.

You see, this friend of mine, is very much a soul mate. Like a mirror too.  She and I were completing each other’s sentences by week’s end and I was genuinely sad to end my time there. We are incredibly alike. She is a kind soul, vibrant in beauty, inside and out. We walked arm in arm downtown, talked about our parents, our exes, our futures, our jobs, our crushes. This is the friend you want at your side when you’re accompanied by good food and good wine.  Which is pretty much my heaven on earth trifecta.

I took some great pictures and got so many new ideas for things. We spent a lot of time traipsing in and out of different design studios and boutiques. Something DC does not have much of.  It was lovely to indulge in some culture and style outside the gray of the district. It was a weekend free of news, politics, blogs, crowded metros and sirens in the streets.

I’m trying to shed old worries. Plan ahead. Create a new space for myself. In my house and in the world.

I recently introduced my mother to the brilliant wit and intellect of Christopher Hitchens, who’s become something of a hero of mine, and whom she found ‘deep and insightful’ , and then followed the video i sent and watched more of him with Andrew Sullivan, who she also enjoyed, and I as well. I sent her a documentary on the westboro baptist church that same week and we had a really interesting discussion about it later.  I’ve come to love and appreciate the dialogue I can have with my parents about just about any issue.

I think i realized i blog as a means of catharsis. I seem to only write when i’m unsettled, or overly contemplative or not in a great place.  Which is why this entry seems out of sorts to me (and why it’s taken a while to post).  I’m not unsettled, or moody.  I’m feeling alive and refreshed…need a better word than that.  I’m feeling….that ‘C’ word that i dare not utter for fear that i’ll draw cosmic forces to upset the dynamic of the univerrse because i even used it in the first place. content?  I’ve taken my own advice.  Stopped looking for my dreams around every corner and made my life, my world, my sphere, the way I’ve wanted it to be, one room at a time.  i’m not worrying as much about the things I want in my life but don’t yet have. I’m going back to basics and attempting to be the best version of myself.  The most authentic version of myself.  I’ve picked my camera back up and had some great fun and taken some amazing photos.  Today, I saw that some promo work I did for a friends photo retrospective show ended up in the DC City Paper, which was incredible.  On top of that I’ve been in the process over the past few weeks of interviewing for a position for a job situation that would be my dream scenario.   That is to say…learning while making an inpact at the same time.  I’m paying down my debts, creating new spaces in my house, being more honest and open with friends, especially with my family, and embracing and developing an authenticity in myself i’ve been hoping to clothe myself in for years. I’m planning beyond dc, but keeping my feet planted here and now and building up the foundation I’ve made for myself here. I’m branching out and casting off worries of perception and image and just living.

I’m going with my gut instead of asking for opinions before i make certain decisions. Taking initiative in my own decision making and being a pro-active individual. Living boldly , without fear, or regrets.  

I think i’ve finally come to the realization , that DC does in fact have an expiration date, as far as it is concerned, with me.  But don’t worry. friends.  I’m not planning my escape just yet, just…entertaining options outside of what’s on my plate right now. A lot will depend on if i can land this job, for which I’ve already gone through an extensive application process, 2 phone interviews, and now a face to face interview.

I ponder my current state and…where before I may have contemplated and possibly issued the word ‘content’, I’d rather replace it now with a feeling of being settled. Secure even.  Contentment seems to be the valley you rest in before you explore the next mountain you decide to climb, or realize you have one ahead of you.

No.

I’m feeling more settled these days. Settled physically, for once in my life, in the house I’m living in, after bringing to fruition a number of projects and additions I had been planning to make. Settled where I am with my career…..unfulfilled in my current position, yet on the cusp of acheiving and earning a brilliant step up into where I want to be, and belong. Settled in the man I am, have become, and am becoming. Equipped to carry on with things and coming into the freshest realizations of actualizing and living out my authentic self. 

Settled, even, in my singleness. I dare say.

Atleast on weekdays. ;)

This by no means expresses an idea that I’m letting down my gaurd and lowering ambitions or expectations, hence my apprehension at the usage of ‘content.’ My sights are still aimed high….though I’m realizing I’m well on my way to where I want to be.  Creating a sense of ‘home’ for a rest-less heart like mine takes time.

It’s about momentum….

let me share some of my recent joys:

 

On another note and in major news, Osama Bin Laden has been tracked down and killed. And yet, I’m still paying over $4 a gallon for gas, I have friends and relatives who can’t find work. Iran still seeks nuclear capabilities and to ‘wipe Israel off the map,’ and Gadaffi hasn’t been routed from Libya yet.

What is everyone’s take on this event? Will it boost Obama? Should he release the photos?

I grabbed my camera and walked to the White House to capture what I saw the night the news broke.  Quite a scene, to say the least.  Will show those at a later date.

And even sadder still, Christopher Hitchens has now lost his voice due to his ongoing battle with Esophogeal cancer, or as he puts it, ” a long argument I am currently having with the specter of death.”

If I’m a lucky man, I’ll one day get to shake his hand and hear his snark in person.  And that’ll be that.

I Think About . . . .

February 6, 2011

Laid up. In bed today.  Lovely sinus infection. Even lovelier cough medicine with codeine.  Haven’t felt this sick since i was a little boy.

Man, this is gonna be one of those ….stream of consciousness posts.  Guess with my head semi-disconnected from my body that’s what comes natural right now.  Being sick in bed with not much to do does give you time to think.  Or watch movies. Or both.

Every time the church across the street rings its bells my sinuses throb and i want to shoot a kitten.

I’m watching Eat.Pray.Love.  Enjoying it too.  Makes me want to travel and break away from DC. This gray city. Reminds me of the good things in my life.  And what i want to improve upon.

I think of how much I want the spring to come.  How I hope I find a good replacement for the roommate that is leaving. How I hope I can find a better job, and soon, because i’m drowning in monotony right now that requires no intelligence or talent to bring to completion. I think of the news i received, from someone i once loved, that used to me a big part of my life.  How it made my life flash before my eyes, and made me feel anger I had not felt towards a person in a very long time. Which later turned to sorrow for that person.  And the realization that, indeed, life does go on.  And I need to be making positive steps and planning for big ones. Be smarter with my time, my money, and who I decide to spend both with and on.  I think of the friends getting engaged and married and am brought back to the curious ponderance of whether or not my life has that in store for me.

I think i’ve finally decided I’m not going to worry about it.  Forget plans on timing and schedules and ticking internal clocks. Just live. go forward. Follow your ambitions and perhaps another deeply held ambition will bump into you along your path. I guess sometimes you just need to live your life, instead of looking for the bullet points you want on your epitaph in your week to week existence.  Maybe that’s morbid?

I think about my relationship with God, and how I’ve come to realize it was influenced a great deal by my relationship with my parents.  Something I hope to radically redefine. Concepts of love. and grace. shame. and freedom.

I think of my pop-pop. How i won’t see his smile again. or hear his laugh. how i’ll miss him. of the Christmas that wasn’t. And how the numbness i felt is hanging on a bit longer that I’d like. I think of him in heaven. And wonder if God gave him his hair back. And if I’ll recognize him when I get there myself.

I think about you. reading this. maybe we barely know each other. or at all. Maybe we’re close friends. maybe you’re a co-worker.

Maybe you’re my mom….

Hi mom.  :)

I think I need a vacation. and I’m planning one.

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